joysofdickandjune

OUTHOUSE SPECIAL

In Humor, postaweek2011 on February 15, 2011 at 3:02 pm

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 15, 2011

 

OUTHOUSE HUMOR

Outhouse InsideOLD FEELINGS NEVER DIE! 

Old Lady;It all started when that young man comes creeping up
on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Old Lady: No, I didn’t stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert
died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Old Lady: He began to rub all over of my body.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited.
I haven’t felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so ‘ spicy ‘ that I just
laid down and told him Take me, young man. Take me now! ‘
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, ‘ April Fool! ‘ And that’s when
I shot the little SOB!
>
>
Subject: bucks for sex
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office…
but she belonged to someone else…
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, “I’ll
give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you after work…”
but the girl said, “NO.”
Johnny said, “I’ll be fast, I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend
down, and I’ll be finished by the time you pick it up.”
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her
boy friend…
so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says ask him for $200 then pick up all
the money very fast and run…
he won’t even be able to get his pants down.
She agrees and accepts the proposal.
After work they go to a motel .
Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girl friend to
call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what
happened…She said, “The SOB used quarters!”
Management Lesson: Always consider a business proposal in it’s entirety
before agreeing to it, and getting screwed
>

A wife came home early after visiting her mother
and found her husband in bed making passionate love to a girl.
Out Of My House,she yelled.,and never come back here again!
Wait,he asked,and hear my side of the story!

I was on my way home from work, when I noticed this women.
She had no home to go to and no one to help her.
I noticed that she was very thin, not welldressed and very dirty.
She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home
and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you
last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll
put on weight.  The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested
a shower, and while she was doing that, I
noticed her clothes were dirty and full of
holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her
the designer jeans that you have had for a few years,
but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was
your anniversary present, which you don’t
wear because I don’t have good taste..

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you
for Christmas that you don’t wear just to
annoy her, and I also donated those boots
you bought at the expensive boutique and
don’t wear because someone at work has
a pair the same.’

The husband took a quick breath and continued – ‘She was so grateful
for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned
to me with tears in her eyes and said,’Please … Do you have anything else that
your wife doesn’t use?
>
>

Adam Got Eve — At a Bargain Price!

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, ‘What’s wrong with you?’
Adam said he didn’t have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion
and that it would be a woman.
He said, ‘This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,
and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you,
and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement.
She will praise you!
She will bear your children.
and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
‘She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and
passion whenever you need it.’
Adam asked God, ‘What will a woman like this cost?’
God replied, ‘An arm and a leg.’
Then Adam asked, ‘What can I get for a rib?’
Of course the rest is history…………!!!!
>
>

25  REASONS  I  OWE  MY  MOTHER

1.  My mother taught me: TO  APPRECIATE  A  JOB  WELL  DONE .
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished  cleaning.”

2.  My mother taught me: RELIGION.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

3.  My mother taught me: TIME  TRAVEL .
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of  next week!”

4.  My mother taught me:  LOGIC.
” Because I said so, that’s why.”

5.  My mother taught me: MORE  LOGIC .
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,you’re not going to the store with me.”

6.  My mother taught me: FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”

7.  My mother taught me: IRONY.
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

8.  My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”

9.  My mother taught me: CONTORTIONISM.
“Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”

10.  My mother taught me about STAMINA .
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

1 1.  My mother taught me: WEATHER .
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”

12.  My mother taught me: HYPOCRISY.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”

13.  My mother taught me: THE  CIRCLE  OF  LIFE.
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”

14.  My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR  MODIFICATION .
“Stop acting like your father!”

15.  My mother taught me: ENVY.
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who
don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”

16.  My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
“Just wait until we get home.”

17.  My mother taught me: RECEIVING .
“You are going to get it when you get home!”

18.  My mother taught me: MEDICAL  SCIENCE.
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”

19.  My mother taught me: ESP.
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”

20.  My mother taught me: HUMOUR.
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

21.  My mother taught me: HOW  TO  BECOME  AN  ADULT .
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

22.  My mother taught me: GENETICS.
“I swear to God you’re just like your father.”

23.  My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn ?”

24.  My mother taught me: WISDOM .
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”

25.  And my favorite: My  MOTHER  TAUGHT  ME  ABOUT  JUSTICE .
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!

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