joysofdickandjune

Make this a SMILE Day!

In Humor on March 25, 2011 at 9:42 am

Over the past several years I have been saving good jokes and stories that tickle my funny bone. I read the “raunchy”jokes for my own amusement, but I do not save them and I would never(or hardly ever), publish them. Of course there is always a question as to what is “raunchy”, and if you should happen to read one of my Blogs and you are offended by any of my jokes, send me a comment to that fact and let me know!

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(There’ve been times when it felt like my WHOLE village was burning)

The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him. Every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming.
Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect himself from the elements, and to store his few possessions. One day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames,with smoke rolling up to the sky. He felt the worst had happened, and everything was lost. He was stunned with disbelief, grief, and anger. He cried out, ‘God! How could you do this to me?’

Early the next day, he was awakened by the sound of a ship approaching the island! It had come to rescue him! ‘How did you know I was here?’ asked the weary man of his rescuers. ‘We saw your smoke signal,’ they replied.
The Moral of This Story:It’s easy to get discouraged when things are going bad, but we shouldn’t lose heart, because God is at work in our lives, even in the midst of our pain and suffering. Remember that the next time your little hut seems to be burning to the ground. It just may be a smoke signal that summons the Grace of God.
P.S. You may want to consider passing this on, because you never know who feels as if their hut is on fire today.

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My Quality Control Dept.

Final Quality Control Inspectors !

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, “MOM, I’ve decided to become a minster when I grow up.”
“Thats okay with us, but what made you decide that?”
“Well,” said the little boy, “I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figured it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen.”
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A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord’s Prayerat a church service, “And forgive us our trash passes,as we forgive those who passed trash against us.”
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A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.”How do you know what to say?” he asked.’Why, God tells?””Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?”
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A  little girl became restless as the preacher’s sermom dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,’Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?”

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After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the backseat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, “That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!”

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Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzeled by Kyle’s picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story that was meant to represent.”The flight to Egypt,” was his reply. Pointing at each figure, Ms.Terri said,” That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. But whos’s the fourth person?” “Oh, that’s Pontius the pilot!”  …………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, ” I descend into hell!” A stagehand below would pull a rope, the trapdoor would spring, and the actor would drop from view.The play was well received. When the actor playingthe part became ill, another actor, who was quite overweight took his place, When the new actor announced, “I descend into hell ! ” the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging onthe rope could make him desend. One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled:”Hallelujah! Hell is full!’ ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach upto touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternatelystroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, “Grandpa, did God make you?””Yes, sweetheart,” he answered,”God made me along time ago.””Oh,” she paused, “grandpa, did God make me too?””Yes, indeed, honey,” he said, “God made you just a little while ago.”Feeling their respective faces again, she observed,”God’s getting better at it, isn’t he?”

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There was a knock on the door of a very “Elite” House of Ill-Repute. The lady of the home answered the door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.” May I help you?’ she asked. “I  want to see Valerie,” the man replied.”‘Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else,”said the madam. ‘No, I must see Valerie,” he replied, Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour , the man calmly left.

The next night,  the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained  that no one had ever come back two nights in a row-too expensive and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and again they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man returned there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man.’No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?” she asked.The man replied, “‘South Carolina.”  “really”, she said. “I have family in South Carolina”.  “I know,” the man said. “your father died, and I am your sister’s attorney. She asked me to give you  your $15,000 inheritance.”

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain: 1- Death , 2-Taxes , 3-Being screwed by a lawyer.

(And you thought that this was going be cut from the way it started!)

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On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate down-sizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he had been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million dollars.Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank worth over $2 million dollars, and she informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three decades that she had charged him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and that these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million dollars, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,” if I had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!”

That’s when she shot him….You know, sometimes, men just don’t know when to keep their mouths shut.

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Pull them by the hair or they fill up!

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A brief history of the “CAT”.
On the first day of creation, God created the cat….On the second day, God created man to serve the cat….On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to serve aspotential food for the cat….
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could laborfor the good of the cat….On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat mightor might not play with it….On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cathealthy and the man broke….On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to scoop the litterbox….
Yes, it’s a cat’s world after all. Amen!

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