joysofdickandjune

Posts Tagged ‘humor’

The $250.00 stimulus check!

In Uncategorized on April 15, 2011 at 10:27 am
STIMULUS CHECK
 Many of you people out there, reading the information
put out by our government, just may not understand the
Stimulus Check payout plan very clearly. I found this
explaination on the internet and it seems to make
everything quite clear.
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Just in case you are a senior citizen and have received  a
check for $250 . This is a very exciting program. I’ll
explain it by using the Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to
     taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From the taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a tiny,little bit.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a
     high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn’t that stimulating the economy of Asia?
A. Shut up!  You  got your check.
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Here are some helpful advice on how to best
help our economy by spending your stimulus
check wisely:
1. If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, your
    money will go to China.
2 .If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to
    Saudi Arabia.
3. If you purchase a computer, it will go to India.
4. If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to
    Mexico, Honduras or Guatemala.
5. If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
6. If you purchase useless plastic stuff, it will go to
    Taiwan.
7. If you pay off your credit cards. or buy stock, it will
    go to pay management bonuses and be hidden in
    offshore accounts.
Or, you can keep the money in”America”by
doing the following;
1. Spending it at yard sales or flea markets.
2. Going to baseball, basketball or football games.
3. Hiring prostitutes.
4. Buying cheap beer.
5. Getting tattoos.
These are the wholly-American-owned businesses still
operating in the U.S.
——————————————————————————-
Conclusion:
The best way to stimulate the economy is to go to a
ball game with a prostitute that you met at a yard sale
and drink beer all day until you are drunk enough to
get tatooed.
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Dale Visits a Nudist Camp

In Uncategorized on April 14, 2011 at 12:12 pm

I was reading an article in my AARP Bulletin on Eldercare. At the end, it said to go to – “aarp.com” for more information.In among that information I found this Blog! After reading it,my mind instantly went back to the days when I was 17.What would I have done if there had been a “Nudist camp” close to the small Town that I grew up in??(I won’t tell you where my mind went from there).Anyway,it was an enjoyable blog to read. Here it is.

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lundclub10-11-104:02 PMEDT

DALE SNEAKS INTO A NUDIST CAMP
Imagine you moved into a large house and were told that you have free run of the whole place–except for the room on the left at the top of the stairs. That door would be always locked. What room would then occupy your thoughts more than any other?
I was seventeen. It was 1966. We had moved to Sultan, Washington the previous summer, my Dad, a minister, being assigned to that parish. I heard rumors that there was a nudist camp near Sultan, but I didn’t yet know where. Then came an article in the “Everett Herald” about nudism.It mentioned the Lake Associates nudist camp on the Sultan Basin Road, and also Fraternity Snoqualmie, a large nudist camp “four miles south of Issaquah.” That’s all I knew, but it was enough. I had never been to Issaquah, a town 43 miles south of Sultan, on Highway 90. I would find it.
I told my parents I was going camping for the weekend, loaded up my bicycle saddlebags with camping gear, and pedaled off. I rode my bike out of Sultan, then ditched it and the supplies deep in the underbrush, out of sight, and walked out to the shoulder of the highway and, carrying only a coat, stuck out my thumb.
Fortunately I’ve always looked younger than my age, and it’s not difficult for a boy to hitch rides. It was Friday evening, though, when I was dropped off in Issaquah–too late to try to find Fraternity Snoqualmie–but I walked around the town until finding that only one main highway headed south, and so assumed that was to be my route the next morning.
Night came on. I went into the entranceway of the Issaquah High School and lay down on the concrete porch, with only my coat for warmth. Although it was summer, the nights were cool, but it was the hard concrete that finally got to me. With all my joints aching, I got up sometime in the night and went looking for a better place to sleep. I came upon a parsonage, and being a preacher’s kid and knowing about a minister’s kindness and charity, if I were caught, I stepped into the back yard and lay on the lawn. The hard ground was a lot softer than the concrete, and I slept.
At dawn I was wet with dew, and cold. Before the parsonage household woke up, I was eating a cheap breakfast purchased at a local market. And dried out by the morning sun and with a full stomach, I hitchhiked south out of town.
I couldn’t very well tell the driver who picked me up to take me to the nearest nudist camp, nor was I even sure it was the right way. I just said that I was going to a friend’s house a few miles down the highway, and then stared at the roadside to see any sign of Fraternity Snoqualmie. To my excited delight, there it was, right out there in plain view–a sign on the left of the highway with the camp’s name on it, next to a long driveway going up the hill. Not wanting to be obvious, I waited about a half-mile farther before saying, “Here it is. Here’s his house. Thank you.” He dropped me off, and I acted like I was walking to a house. When he drove out of sight, I came back out to the highway and walked north to the road leading to what was described as the largest nudist camp in the Northwest.
It turned out to be a long, long driveway–quite a hike on foot. I stepped quietly in order to hear any approaching car, and when hearing one, I quickly slipped into the underbrush and hid as it went by, peering out and imagining that soon that family in the car will all be naked. It seemed unreal–too good to be true. Further up, I came to a stretch in the road that had a cliff on one side and a dirt wall on the other, and dreaded anyone coming then. To my horror, I heard footsteps! A man was walking down the road and coming toward me, around the bend still out of sight. I had nowhere to go. I hated the thought of running back down the hill, and besides, he was now too close to avoid. He would see me running down the hill when he rounded the bend. There was only a small, scraggly bush growing out of the dirt wall, and I hid behind it hopelessly. Not only could someone see me through the bush, but when even with me I wouldn’t even be behind it, but beside it, in plain view. I hid as best I could, and stayed perfectly still. Miraculously, the man walked by focusing on the road several feet in front of him, and never saw me! As I continued my hike, I wondered why a man was walking down that road anyway. Perhaps he had sneaked in, like me, and was leaving. Or perhaps he was hiking and would have enjoyed throwing a trespasser off the cliff.
Eventually I could hear people. Adults and children were both laughing and shouting, and it sounded like many of them. The road took a turn to the left and I glimpsed a gatehouse and jumped back, then left the road and made my way through the woods. Western Washington State woods are full of heavy underbrush, which is wonderful for someone trying not to be seen. But for some reason when I sneak, I get a nervous stomach; and often when I get a nervous stomach, I have to poop. It came on strong, and there was nothing I could do about it but squat down and go. No toilet paper. I picked large leaves from a tree and did my best to wipe. The leaves were thin. It was not a good experience.
I continued through the woods, following the sounds of the people, and finally came to the open grounds of Fraternity Snoqualmie. There was a broken-down school bus at the edge of the clearing, with no one in the immediate vicinity, and behind this bus I took off all my clothes except for my shoes and hid my clothes beneath a big board. I then, for the first time in my life, walked out into the view of men, women and children, stark naked.
As I walked down a driveway toward the crowds, I saw a woman coming toward me, walking up the same driveway. Moments later, I passed the first nude woman I’d ever really seen. She was probably in her forties, slightly heavy-set, but not unattractive. Her breasts swayed gracefully as she walked. She ignored me as though passing me on a city sidewalk, but I ogled her as much as I subtly could, and suddenly a problem arose. I knew by then, somehow, that an erection is not quite proper in a nudist camp, and was horrified to see a man now walking up the driveway. Suddenly I had a great idea. Nudists sunbathe! I could pretend I was sunbathing. So I scurried over and lay belly down on the grass beside the driveway, with my cheek resting on my hands and my eyes watching the man. As he passed by, he gave me an odd look. Later I figured out why: Never having been nude in the sun before, I was almost sickeningly white, except for my hands and face (I even wore long-sleeve shirts as a rule), and on my feet I wore, not only shoes, but black leather dress shoes, the ones I wore to church! And to top it off, leaves do not toilet paper make. It was in a restroom there, that I discovered I had poop smeared on my butt. That man was very kind only to give me an odd look. Oh, yes, one more thing: They have an area for sunbathing. I was lying in the parking lot.
When my problem went down, I got up and walked closer to the crowds, only to have the problem arise again. This time I just sat on the ground and blocked the problem with my legs. I was near the restroom then. Naked men and woman and children were going in and out, and during a pausein people I slipped into the restroom and into a stall to rest (and use real toilet paper). Some wet paper towels later, I walked out into virtual public in only my shoes. (I’ve heard many people have nightmares about being suddenly naked in public. Curiously, I’ve had these dreams, too, but they have always been good dreams.)
As it turned out, this was the weekend of Fraternity Snoqualmie’s annual Seafair celebration, and the park was packed! There were hundreds of people there–naked people! In less than twenty minutes I overcame my problem, and I began to meander through the many visitors–a very white boy with tan hands and face, wearing black dress shoes, trying to fit in.
And somehow I did. It was as if I were invisible. I sat around among the people, waited in line at the snack bar, having returned to my clothes to get some money from my pants pocket, and no one even spoke to me.
I remembered how traumatic it was the first time I had to undress in front of others. Only I had seen myself since puberty, and I thought I looked funny. People would surely laugh if they saw me, right? Then came P.E. in junior high, and I was required to shower after class with two dozen other boys. This was a dreadful experience for a sheltered, preacher’s kid. Other boys seemed to take it in stride, laughing and joking and talking about teachers and school and sports and TV shows. Of course they looked okay. I looked funny. But then no one laughed at me. Most of them were circumcised, many weren’t, it was just one or the other, no big deal. Some had smaller genitals than I, some larger. There were varying degrees and areas of tan, some different colors of skin. A lot of boys were fatter than I and jiggled when they walked. Some were really skinny. Really, I didn’t look that funny after all. And pretty soon I, too, was laughing and joking and talking about teachers and school and sports and TV shows. Taking showers in school became easy for me, although having other boys snap me with towels was hard to get used to.
Now I was having some of those old feelings. Maybe women would laugh at me, maybe children would. For sure, this time, I did look funny, with my odd tan and dress shoes. But no one laughed. I was as accepted as anyone.
And I saw that TV commercials and magazines had been very narrow in portraying the human body. It turns out that bodies are as varied as faces. Here it was like someone took a city block of people and stripped them all. But no one was embarrassed. No one ridiculed. All were accepted, even the obese people whose fat hung downenough to cover their genitals. These people would have had fun with the fig leaf idea in the Garden of Eden.
There was a volleyball game going on, so I went over to watch it, sitting down on a wooden bench right next to a very extroverted girl about eighteen or nineteen who was shouting out advice to theplayers. She leaned back and rested her arms on the back of the bench, almost touching me, with her large, firm breasts poking right out there only two feet from my wandering eyes. But my problem didn’t arise. I was relaxed. I was having a good time.
Later I went over finally to take a dip in the large swimming pool. I took off my shoes and set them on the grass, and enjoyed the water. Meanwhile I noticed a couple men sitting nearby watching me. They looked like they might suspect me. Their dark glasses made them look like some kind of agents. When I got out to dry in the sun, they beckoned me to come over to them. I did, and one of them asked me, “What club do you belong to?”
“The Lake Associates at Sultan,” I said.
“You’re pretty white,” he said.
“Yeah,” I said. “We don’t really get up there that often.”
“How do you like it there?” the other asked me.
“Oh, it’s okay,” I said. “It’s just a lake mainly.”
He nodded slightly, and the two seemed fairly satisfied. Either they were checking me out, or just simply curious why I was such a white guy with tan hands and face. I got up and walked away, then my tender feet reminded me. I came back, looking over at the two men and said, “I forgot my shoes,” picked them up, and walked off with them in my hand.
I continued to enjoy the warm, sunny day. It wasn’t long before the novelty of nudity wore off, and I simply felt, for lack of a better word, released. Curiosity turned into appreciation. Trespassing, amidst hundreds of strangers, I felt incredibly free. I was now completely relaxed about my body.These beautiful people accepted themselves, and me. That distracted tightness seen so commonly in the faces of people on the street was not seen here. People seemed real, open, relaxed, happy. Even that first day, that first real nudist experience, I eventually disregarded the fact that we were naked, and was just encouraged by a joyful presence of humanity I had never seen before.
Later in the day, I took a walk around the grounds, walking back up the parking lot and around the vacation trailers. A nude mother stepped out of one and asked me, “Have you seen my kids? Lunch is ready and they’re off somewhere.” She assumed I somehow knew her kids. I acted like I did, but told her I hadn’t seen them, and walked on while she peered from her doorway down the hill and over the crowds. I had lived a life full of inhibitions and embarrassment, was now lying and trespassing in order to overcome it, and this lady’s worry was that her kids were having so much fun that they’d be late for lunch. This was a beautiful and wonderful place to be.
Later that afternoon, I glanced at my shoulders and saw they were reddening. I had never thought to bring sun block lotion, and my pale skin was sensitive. I had exposed it to the sun for seven hours! So, it was, sadly, time for me to leave. Perhaps some people noticed the red boy with tan hands and face walking in his black leather oxfords up toward the broken-down school bus. My clothes were thankfully still under the board behind the bus. It felt constricting and lousy putting them on, my sunburn of course not helping, and I crackled my way back through the underbrush. As I walked down the long road toward the highway, I dashed into the brush a couple times to hide from passing cars. But this time, peering out, instead of thinking that the people in each car would soon all be naked, I thought only how fortunate they are. They had the key to that room on the left at the top of the stairs, and it was a good room.
I hitchhiked back to Sultan, arriving that evening, retrieved my bicycle from the underbrush, and rode home. It was hard to hide my sunburn and it bothered me terribly for days. Telling Mom I had gone without a shirt while camping, she rubbed lotion on my burned back, too polite to comment about the burn extending down into my pants.

Make this a SMILE Day!

In Humor on March 25, 2011 at 9:42 am

Over the past several years I have been saving good jokes and stories that tickle my funny bone. I read the “raunchy”jokes for my own amusement, but I do not save them and I would never(or hardly ever), publish them. Of course there is always a question as to what is “raunchy”, and if you should happen to read one of my Blogs and you are offended by any of my jokes, send me a comment to that fact and let me know!

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(There’ve been times when it felt like my WHOLE village was burning)

The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him. Every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming.
Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect himself from the elements, and to store his few possessions. One day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames,with smoke rolling up to the sky. He felt the worst had happened, and everything was lost. He was stunned with disbelief, grief, and anger. He cried out, ‘God! How could you do this to me?’

Early the next day, he was awakened by the sound of a ship approaching the island! It had come to rescue him! ‘How did you know I was here?’ asked the weary man of his rescuers. ‘We saw your smoke signal,’ they replied.
The Moral of This Story:It’s easy to get discouraged when things are going bad, but we shouldn’t lose heart, because God is at work in our lives, even in the midst of our pain and suffering. Remember that the next time your little hut seems to be burning to the ground. It just may be a smoke signal that summons the Grace of God.
P.S. You may want to consider passing this on, because you never know who feels as if their hut is on fire today.

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My Quality Control Dept.

Final Quality Control Inspectors !

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, “MOM, I’ve decided to become a minster when I grow up.”
“Thats okay with us, but what made you decide that?”
“Well,” said the little boy, “I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figured it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen.”
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord’s Prayerat a church service, “And forgive us our trash passes,as we forgive those who passed trash against us.”
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.”How do you know what to say?” he asked.’Why, God tells?””Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?”
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
A  little girl became restless as the preacher’s sermom dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,’Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the backseat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, “That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzeled by Kyle’s picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story that was meant to represent.”The flight to Egypt,” was his reply. Pointing at each figure, Ms.Terri said,” That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. But whos’s the fourth person?” “Oh, that’s Pontius the pilot!”  …………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, ” I descend into hell!” A stagehand below would pull a rope, the trapdoor would spring, and the actor would drop from view.The play was well received. When the actor playingthe part became ill, another actor, who was quite overweight took his place, When the new actor announced, “I descend into hell ! ” the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging onthe rope could make him desend. One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled:”Hallelujah! Hell is full!’ ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach upto touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternatelystroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, “Grandpa, did God make you?””Yes, sweetheart,” he answered,”God made me along time ago.””Oh,” she paused, “grandpa, did God make me too?””Yes, indeed, honey,” he said, “God made you just a little while ago.”Feeling their respective faces again, she observed,”God’s getting better at it, isn’t he?”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

There was a knock on the door of a very “Elite” House of Ill-Repute. The lady of the home answered the door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.” May I help you?’ she asked. “I  want to see Valerie,” the man replied.”‘Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else,”said the madam. ‘No, I must see Valerie,” he replied, Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour , the man calmly left.

The next night,  the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained  that no one had ever come back two nights in a row-too expensive and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and again they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man returned there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man.’No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?” she asked.The man replied, “‘South Carolina.”  “really”, she said. “I have family in South Carolina”.  “I know,” the man said. “your father died, and I am your sister’s attorney. She asked me to give you  your $15,000 inheritance.”

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain: 1- Death , 2-Taxes , 3-Being screwed by a lawyer.

(And you thought that this was going be cut from the way it started!)

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On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate down-sizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he had been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million dollars.Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank worth over $2 million dollars, and she informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three decades that she had charged him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and that these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million dollars, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,” if I had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!”

That’s when she shot him….You know, sometimes, men just don’t know when to keep their mouths shut.

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Pull them by the hair or they fill up!

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A brief history of the “CAT”.
On the first day of creation, God created the cat….On the second day, God created man to serve the cat….On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to serve aspotential food for the cat….
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could laborfor the good of the cat….On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat mightor might not play with it….On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cathealthy and the man broke….On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to scoop the litterbox….
Yes, it’s a cat’s world after all. Amen!

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Gotta Love 1st Graders

In Uncategorized on March 18, 2011 at 12:33 pm

A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class.   She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.   It’s hard to believe these were actually done by first graders.   Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

1. Don’t change horses–

until they stop running.

2. Strike while the–

bug is close.

3. It’s always darkest before–

Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of–

termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but–

How?

6. Don’t bite the hand that–

looks dirty.

7. No news is–

impossible

8. A miss is as good as a–

Mr.

9. You can’t teach an old dog new–

Math

10. If you lie down with dogs, you’ll–

stink in the morning.

11. Love all, trust–

Me.

12. The pen is mightier than the–

pigs.

13. An idle mind is–

the best way to relax

14. Where there’s smoke there’s–

pollution.

15. Happy the bride who–

gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is–

not much.

17. Two’s company, three’s–

the Musketeers.

18. Don’t put off till tomorrow what–

you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and–

You have to blow your nose.

20. There are none so blind as–

Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not–

spanked or grounded.

22. If at first you don’t succeed–

get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you–

See in the picture on the box

24. When the blind lead the blind–

get out of the way.

25. A bird in the hand–

is going to poop on you.

And the WINNER and last one!

26. Better late than–

Pregnant.

Something that might amuse you!

In Humor, Uncategorized on March 12, 2011 at 1:11 am

Subject: Word meanings -Male & Female

Subject:  Word meanings -Male & Female

Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.

Female….. Any part under a car’s hood.

Male…. The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female…. Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.

Male…. Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

Female… The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.

Male… Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4.. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.

Female… A desire to get married and raise a family.

Male…… Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

Female…. A good movie, concert, play or book.

Male…… Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

Female… An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.

Male…… A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.

Female…… The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female…. A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

Male… A device for scann ing through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND;

He said . . . I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.

She said . . . You wear pants don’t you?

He said . .. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said . Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

She said . . We don’t know; it has never happened.

He said . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?

She said . . They already have boyfriends.

He said…What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?

She said . . . A widow.

He said . . Why are married women heavier than single women?

She said . . Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to

bed.  Married women come home, see what’s in the bed and go to the fridge

A guy is driving around the back woods of

Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a

broken down shanty-style house:

“Talking Dog for Sale .”

He rings the bell and the owner appears

and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking

labrador retriever sitting there.

“You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says “So, what’s your story?”

The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.  I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services …the

United States Marines ..you know one of their nicknames is “The Devil Dogs”.  In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.  I was one of their most valuable spies for  eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger.  So, I decided to settle down.  I retired from the Corps

(8 dog years  is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.”

“I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.  I got married, had  a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed.  He goes  back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

“Ten dollars,” the guy says.

“Ten dollars?  This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”

“Because he’s a liar.  He never did any of that stuff.

He was in the Air Force.

Our Confusing Language

In Humor, postaweek2011 on February 25, 2011 at 2:06 am

I was sent this master piece and I feel compelled to pass it on.       I know not the Author. It came to me in an email!…Enjoy!
I think a retired English teacher was bored.

THIS IS GREAT! Read all the way to the end…………….

This took a lot of work to put together!

You think English is easy??
 

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the leadout.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let’s face it – English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. – Why doesn’t ‘Buick’ rhyme with ‘quick’ ?

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is ‘UP.’

It’s easy to understand
UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wakeUP ?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?

Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends.

And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.

We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning.

People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. 

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary.

In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.

It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.

When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things
UP.
When it doesn’t rain for awhile, things dry
UP. 

One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it UP,

for now my time is UP,

so……..it is time to shut UP!

Now it’s UP to you what you do with this email.

OUTHOUSE SPECIAL

In Humor, postaweek2011 on February 15, 2011 at 3:02 pm

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 15, 2011

 

OUTHOUSE HUMOR

Outhouse InsideOLD FEELINGS NEVER DIE! 

Old Lady;It all started when that young man comes creeping up
on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Old Lady: No, I didn’t stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert
died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Old Lady: He began to rub all over of my body.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited.
I haven’t felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so ‘ spicy ‘ that I just
laid down and told him Take me, young man. Take me now! ‘
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, ‘ April Fool! ‘ And that’s when
I shot the little SOB!
>
>
Subject: bucks for sex
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office…
but she belonged to someone else…
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, “I’ll
give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you after work…”
but the girl said, “NO.”
Johnny said, “I’ll be fast, I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend
down, and I’ll be finished by the time you pick it up.”
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her
boy friend…
so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says ask him for $200 then pick up all
the money very fast and run…
he won’t even be able to get his pants down.
She agrees and accepts the proposal.
After work they go to a motel .
Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girl friend to
call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what
happened…She said, “The SOB used quarters!”
Management Lesson: Always consider a business proposal in it’s entirety
before agreeing to it, and getting screwed
>

A wife came home early after visiting her mother
and found her husband in bed making passionate love to a girl.
Out Of My House,she yelled.,and never come back here again!
Wait,he asked,and hear my side of the story!

I was on my way home from work, when I noticed this women.
She had no home to go to and no one to help her.
I noticed that she was very thin, not welldressed and very dirty.
She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home
and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you
last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll
put on weight.  The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested
a shower, and while she was doing that, I
noticed her clothes were dirty and full of
holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her
the designer jeans that you have had for a few years,
but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was
your anniversary present, which you don’t
wear because I don’t have good taste..

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you
for Christmas that you don’t wear just to
annoy her, and I also donated those boots
you bought at the expensive boutique and
don’t wear because someone at work has
a pair the same.’

The husband took a quick breath and continued – ‘She was so grateful
for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned
to me with tears in her eyes and said,’Please … Do you have anything else that
your wife doesn’t use?
>
>

Adam Got Eve — At a Bargain Price!

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, ‘What’s wrong with you?’
Adam said he didn’t have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion
and that it would be a woman.
He said, ‘This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,
and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you,
and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement.
She will praise you!
She will bear your children.
and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
‘She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and
passion whenever you need it.’
Adam asked God, ‘What will a woman like this cost?’
God replied, ‘An arm and a leg.’
Then Adam asked, ‘What can I get for a rib?’
Of course the rest is history…………!!!!
>
>

25  REASONS  I  OWE  MY  MOTHER

1.  My mother taught me: TO  APPRECIATE  A  JOB  WELL  DONE .
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished  cleaning.”

2.  My mother taught me: RELIGION.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

3.  My mother taught me: TIME  TRAVEL .
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of  next week!”

4.  My mother taught me:  LOGIC.
” Because I said so, that’s why.”

5.  My mother taught me: MORE  LOGIC .
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,you’re not going to the store with me.”

6.  My mother taught me: FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”

7.  My mother taught me: IRONY.
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

8.  My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”

9.  My mother taught me: CONTORTIONISM.
“Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”

10.  My mother taught me about STAMINA .
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

1 1.  My mother taught me: WEATHER .
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”

12.  My mother taught me: HYPOCRISY.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”

13.  My mother taught me: THE  CIRCLE  OF  LIFE.
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”

14.  My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR  MODIFICATION .
“Stop acting like your father!”

15.  My mother taught me: ENVY.
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who
don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”

16.  My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
“Just wait until we get home.”

17.  My mother taught me: RECEIVING .
“You are going to get it when you get home!”

18.  My mother taught me: MEDICAL  SCIENCE.
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”

19.  My mother taught me: ESP.
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”

20.  My mother taught me: HUMOUR.
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

21.  My mother taught me: HOW  TO  BECOME  AN  ADULT .
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

22.  My mother taught me: GENETICS.
“I swear to God you’re just like your father.”

23.  My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn ?”

24.  My mother taught me: WISDOM .
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”

25.  And my favorite: My  MOTHER  TAUGHT  ME  ABOUT  JUSTICE .
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!

WOW!! Look what we found in Salt Lake City

In Humor, Information-Interesting, postaweek2011, RVing on February 9, 2011 at 12:57 am


How we look Traveling

Same as Carol's motorhome

We started right away laying out our basic trip for 1998. The main object of our 1998 trip would be the “1998 Up,Up & Away” Balloon Festival in Albuquerque NM. The festival is from  September 20 to October 12, a three week caravan.While we were making our plans, our next door neighbor “Carol”, said that she really wanted to go, but didn’t want to drive  her motorhome across country to Nevada by herself. We told her that she could travel along with us in her motorhome. She planned to have friends join her at the caravan from her campground in NY. Carol is a young widow, younger than us, and a real joy to have around.  When traveling any distance, I like to give myself pleanty of extra time on the road for break downs, side trips of interest etc.

Our Fantastic Salt Lake City Stop

We had planned a stop in Salt Lake City for a few days. Boy-O-Boy, am I glad that we did. Carol wanted to see the “Salt Lake Mormon Tabernaqcle Choir”. She  got us tickets to the mid-week Choir Practice.The sounds of the choir were almost unbelivable. We thoroughly enjoyed the practice

Moman

Mormon Tabernacle ChoirIn 1863 the Mormons started to build the auditorium that would become one

Mormon's move Westward

of the finest in the world, the Salt Lake Tabernacle. First used in 1867, the dome-shaped building is so acoustically sensitive that a pin dropped at one end can be clearly heard at the other end 170 feet away. Its magnificent organ is recognized as one of the world’s great instruments. Temple Square, in the heart of Salt Lake City, is the home of the Morman Tabernacle Choir, Here, at the “crossroads of the West”, the choir has sung the sacred hymns of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and the great choral works of the masters for nearly a century and half. History of the Choir;  In 1846, the mormons were searching for a place where they could freely worship God. On their westward trek across the vast American continent, the pioneers often broke the prairie’s stillness with the sound of their voices.

Singing hymns around the campfire became a nightly custom. One of these hymns, its words written as the pioneers made their westward journey, was “Come, Come, Ye Saints” by William Clayton. It retains today an exalted place in the repertoire of the Tabernacle Choir:  And should we die before our journey’s through, Happy day!

Amateur Short Wave

All is well ! We then are free from toil and sorrow, too;  With the just we shall dwell ! On July 24,1847, when the first group of Mormon pioneers had crossed the rugged Wasatch Mountains into the wide valley of the Great Salt Lake, their leader, Brigham Young, looked long and earnestly at what he saw,

Radio

Then he said,”It is enough. This is the right place.” It was here , a month later, that the Tabernacle Choir had its beginning.

Television

The Choir – Gains World renown – The choir’s first network radio program (with the organ, choir, and announcer sharing a single microphone ) was transmitted on July 15,1929. Today, after more than 65 years and 3,425 broadcasts, “Music and the Spoken Word” is the oldest continuous nationwide network broadcast in America. The program is now released worldwide through some 1,500 radio, television, and cable stations weekly.   In addition to these broadcasts, the choir’s international concerts  tours; award-winning recordings, and involvement in major motion pictures, television specials, and satellite broadcasts have spread its fame throughout the world. Choir Members;  Members of the Tabernacle Choir are selected on the basis of character and musical competence. A large cross section of occupations is represented. In the choir’s ranks are representatives of nearly every trade and profession, including contractors, secretaries, physicians, homemakers, school teachers,  nurses, salesmen, and accountants.   For many, choir membership is a proud family tradition. There are twenty husband-wife combinations, and many families boast two or more generations of choir membership.     Choir members sing because they love to share truth and the beauty of music with people everywhere.

Some of them commute as far as 164 miles round-trip two or more times weekly, not only for the regular network broadcasts, but for rehearsals, conferences, and other evants. All contribute their talents and time without compensation, except for the joy they receive in service.

>

Another interesting stop that we made was at the Kennecotts Bingham’s Copper Open Pit Mine. In 1848, two brothers, Sanford and Thomas Bingham, sons of Erastue Bingham, Mormon pioneers who grazed their family’s and other’s cattle and horses there discovered copper minerals. They reported their find to their leader, Brigham Young, who advised against pursuing mining operations because the survival and establishment of settlements was of paramount importance at that time. The brothers did not stake a claim. In 1850, the Bingham family went to settle what is now Weber County, leaving the canyon still today known by their name.

Today, as the second largest copper producer in the United States, Kennecott Utah Copper provides about 18-25% percent of the U.S.’s copper needs.  Kennecott’s Bingham Canyon Mine is one of the largest man-made excavations in the world. It is one of the top producing copper mines in the world with cumulative production at more than 18.7 million tons of copper. Every year, Kennecott produces approximately 300,000 tons of copper, along with  500,000  ounces  of  gold, 4 million ounces of silver, about 30 million pounds of molybdenum, and about 1 million tons of sulfuric acid, a by-product of the smelting process. The mining pit is 0.75 miles deep and 2.5 miles wide.

Kennecott Brigham Canyon Mine

Tire from mining truck

The Kennecott Bingham Canyon Mine and the Great Wall of China are the only man-made objects that can be seen by Astronauts from space.

These photos were taken from the visitor’s Centers outside the viewing area. That is June & I standing in front of the Big Truck Tire.

There is a good video there that tells of the Past History, the Present and the Future. Core samples indicate that mining will continue at least until 2020, and maybe longer.

When you are traveling through Utah, be sure that you make Salt Lake City at least a 3 day stop. You will not regret it!

My wife says that SHE and I want to go to Banff,Alberta – 2 of 2

In Humor, Information-Interesting, postaweek2011, RVing on February 2, 2011 at 1:48 am

We left early today, mostly because Dick has a lot of uncertain feelings about driving up into unknown mountains to a popular tourist town with a 36 ft  5th wheel behind us. In spite of his feelings, we did head out for Banff. ( I don’t know if the fact that June was driving had anything to do with that decision or not). June drove an uneventful 150 miles. We stopped in a Truck stop for diesel and lunch after we had passed through Calgary. Today was the hottest day of the year at 33.3 degrees Celcius (about 93 degrees F) The radiator on the truck knew the difference, it

Banff,Ave

stayed right up there near the top. Coming into Banff we missed our turn. It said to turn off  TCH-1 on to Banff Ave.We could not find any such turn. We should have turned into Banff, which becomes Banff Ave. We had to turn around several miles up TCH-1 in a construction area, and come back to town. We took the wrong entrance into town (there are only two, so that  figures)  and ended up driving right straight up the center of the Banff tourist area towing a 36ft RV, to the campground. We got in line for about 20 minutes, or so, and  then we got checked in. No full hook-up sites left for rigs our size. They gave us a beautiful site with 30 Amp only for tonight and told us to ask for a full hook-up site tomorrow after 8:00 am when people start leaving.

 

Bow River Falls

This is us on the right parking over-night

(8/7/97)I was the only  one in line at 8:30 am , the next morning. We got a beautiful full hook-up site under the trees(remember the heat wave) with a , not so great view, of the mountains. There are Elk roaming all over this campground & feeding everywhere. The Elk have the right of way on the golf course. It is fun watching the golfers encouraging the Elk to move over out of the way with their golf carts and waving their arms. The Elk  also roam around the RVs under the trees and they are not afraid of you. The Elk have food and safety in the town and, of course the Wolves will not come into town after the Elk.

Elk on the golf course

Elk from our window

There is a Bus stop here at the campground that will take you to town. In town parking is very tight. After the first time of driving into town to have lunch and to pick-up all the area information that we could find, we decided that the Bus was a better choice. $1.00 each way. Banff is certainly a very popular tourist town. Tourist are everywhere. We checked in at the Visitors center, which we try to do at most of our stops where we plan to spend a couple of days. We watched a couple of videos on Banff and the surrounding area. There is a very plain warning that they give to all tourist that stop there. It  is;” DO NOT GET NEAR OR TOUCH THE ANIMALS”! They do look so cute and friendly…but they are “WILD”, and therefore,”DANGEROUS “! “IT IS  AGAINST THE LAW TO FEED THEM. THEY WILL ATTACK YOU IF THEY FEEL THREATEN”. I guess there are a lot of people who either do not go the Visitors Center, or just can not believe that these friendly Elk are dangerous or maybe THEY ARE JUST PLAIN STUPID.  We watched a lot of  silly people walk down in among the Elk that were  grazing or laying down, to have their picture taken petting an Elk. One guy tried putting his arm around an Elks neck, but the Elk wouldn’t have any part of that idea. The darn fool could have easily been gored by the Elk. “REMEMBER, IDIOT-THEY ARE WILD!” After we got back to our RV (home), I took a picture out through our  window of an Elk grazing.

(8/9/97) Today is “Banff Day”. Our first stop was at Joe Btifsplick’s for breakfast. We found that the public parking lots are only half full in the mornings. We set out for the “cave & basin”, which is the original hot springs from which Banff became a town. We joined a guided tour and learned how two brothers and a friend found the “Hot Spring Basin”, then “The Hot Spring Cave”, from a hole in the ground.The two springs are not connected.

After that tour, we drove to Sulphur Mountain where we took the Gondola up to the top. It is so popular that we had to wait about 20 minutes in line just to get on the Gondola. The Gondola goes up 7,500 feet to the top. Once at the top, there is a large enclosed building  glassed in all around for comfortable warm viewing all around. There is a snack bar and a  restaurant and bathroom facilities. The view from up here is fantastic. I got some great pictures of the mountains and of Banff, way, way, way down there. just a tiny little spot . We stayed up there for an hour or so , and then came down to the “Banff Springs Hotel”, which is a very impressive building. On the lawn were about 20 Elk. We finally located Bow River Falls. The Falls is so popular that I had to let June out so she could video tape it, then I picked her back up. We had a very full day, and we really enjoyed it. We will be ready to leave tomorrow just to rest. If you ever get the chance to visit Banff….do it, you will be glad that you did. I am “almost sorry” that I put so many photos on this blog, but it was just so beautiful that I couldn’t help myself. Thank you June, my love, I am glad that you steered me in this direction! It was certainly well worth while.

Lake Moraine and Ten Peaks

Gondola to Sulphur Mountain

Banff Springs Hotel

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Eight inches of snow?
This one had most of the state of Michigan laughing for two days,and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.What happens when you predict snow, but don’t get any? We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was suppose to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked: ” So Bob,where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night? Not only did he have to leave  the set, but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard !

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

This is a “BIG” Smile Day!!

In Political on November 13, 2010 at 5:37 pm

Adam Got Eve — At a Bargain Price!

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, ‘What’s wrong with you?’

Adam said he didn’t have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion

and that it would be a woman.

He said, ‘This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,

and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.

She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you,

and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement.

She will praise you!

She will bear your children.

and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

‘She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and

passion whenever you need it.’

Adam asked God, ‘What will a woman like this cost?’

God replied, ‘An arm and a leg.’

Then Adam asked, ‘What can I get for a rib?’

Of course the rest is history…………!!!!

————————————————————————————————————————————

A poem for you

Another year has passed

And we’re all a little older.

Last summer felt hotter

And winter seems much colder.

There was a time, not long ago

When life was quite a blast.

Now I fully understand

About “living in the past”.

We used to go to weddings,

Football games and lunches.

Now we go to funeral homes,

And after-funeral brunches.

We used to have hangovers,

From parties that were gay.

Now we suffer body aches

And wile the night away.

We used to go out dining,

And couldn’t get our fill.

Now we ask for doggie bags,

Come home and take a pill.

We used to often travel

to places near and far.

Now we get sore asses

From riding in the car.

We used to go to nightclubs

And drink a little booze,

Now we stay home at night

And watch the evening news.

That, my friend is how life is,

And now my tale is told.

So, enjoy each day and live it up…

before you’re too damn old !

————————————————————————————————————————————-

A wife came home early after visiting her mother several States away

and found her husband in bed making passionate love to a girl.

Out Of this House, she yelled.,and never come back here again!

Wait, he asked and hear my side of the story!

I was on my way home from work, when I noticed this women.

She had no home to go to and no one to help her.

I noticed that she was very thin, not welldressed and very dirty.

She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home

and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you

last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll

put on weight.  The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested

a shower, and while she was doing that, I

noticed her clothes were dirty and full of

holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her

the designer jeans that you have had for a few years,

but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was

your anniversary present, which you don’t

wear because I don’t have good taste..

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you

for Christmas that you don’t wear just to

annoy her, and I also donated those boots

you bought at the expensive boutique and

don’t wear because someone at work has

a pair the same.’

The husband took a quick breath and continued – ‘She was so grateful

for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned

to me with tears in her eyes and said,’Please … Do you have anything else that

your wife doesn’t use?

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1) Don’t Swear At Other Drivers!

Eddie was driving down the road and a met a car coming the other way.  Although there was room to pass easily, Eddie forced the oncoming car to slow down and wound down his window and shouted ‘Pig’.  The other driver looked in his rear view mirror and swore at Eddie.  Then his car hit the pig.

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A youg couple got married and went on their honey moon. When they

got back the bride immediately called her mother.

“Well,” said her mother,”so how was the honeymoon”

‘Oh, mama,”she replied,’the honeymoon was wonderfull! So romanic!”

Suddenly she burst out crying. “But ,mama as soon as we returned,

Sam started using the most horrible language–things I’d never heard

before!  I mean all these awful 4-letter words! You have to take me

home…Please”.

“Sarah,Sarah,” her mother said,”calm down! You need to stay with your

husband and work this out. Now, tell me.what could be so awful? WHAT

4-letter words?””Please don’t make me tell you mama,”I’m so

embarrassed, they’re just too awful!! PLEASE COME AND GET ME!”

“Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother

these horrible 4-letter words.

sobbing,the bride said,”Oh Mama….he used words like: dust, wash, iron,

and cook..”

“I’ll pick you up in twenty minutes,” said the mother.